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The Land of Microsoftia

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A real-time, comparative study of the Microsoftian culture from the E3 press conference.

It is I, intrepid explorer and journalist extraordinaire Zack Stromberg. In my travels I have visited many cultures, and have seen many things. Most recently I completed a two-part, two-year study of the strange and socially isolated Nintendite culture. My findings were as interesting as they were shocking, and so I find myself inclined to study similar cultures in an attempt to understand the conundrum...nay, the mystique, of the video game fanboy.

This year I have decided to embark on another wildly unpredictable, yet no less dangerous journey. I plan to infiltrate and study the annual presentation ceremony of a much more technologically advanced, more sophisticated and slightly less zealous culture; that of the Microsoft fanboy. These strangely social and strangely odorous people are far more complex than their counterparts from Nintendonia, and yet they have some similarities that cross cultural boundaries. And so, I set off to intermingle with these people...these nerds in the mist.

Geometry Wars 2 for Xbox 360

9:25 a.m.: I arrive outside the gathering place. Immediately I am struck by how much more advanced the Microsoftians are than their more primitive counterparts, the Nintendites. Where the Nintendites would have stone and mortar, the Microsfotians have steel and glass. This is truly a testament to the progress of the Microsoftian culture. I enter.

9:30 a.m.: Inside the temple a massive line, three-deep and hundreds long extends across floors adorned with maps of the world. In the air, a loud hum of conversation accosts my ears. I hear speak of "Gears of War" and "Fable" leading me to wonder if the Microsoftian culture is based on a battle heavy mythology. Strangely the followers seem subdued, and friendly. The smell of parent's basement is much less potent here than at the gathering of the Nintendites and the behavior of the people seems mellower, perhaps mature.

Lips for Xbox 360

9:35 a.m.: The line begins to move slowly forward. I travel with the crowd. Along the path ushers, comprised mainly of very attractive women in cultural adornments, gray skirts with white shirts, insist that we "Move Up". I assume we are heading to the main assembly hall.

9:40 a.m.: The line halts. Now the aforementioned ushers ensure that we all have "passports", paper discs that we wear as medallions to identify the members of the assembly. Luckily I came prepared, and thus am left unmolested by the wandering guards.

9:50 a.m.: We wait. I am within sight of the doors of the assembly hall. The doors are adorned with white and gray obelisks, the central idol of the Microsoftian's belief system. They call it "the 360."

Fable 2 for Xbox 360

10:00 a.m. The doors open, and the now larger crowd presses forward, slowly, like a viscous stream of writhing human sludge.

10:05 a.m.: I stand before a massive black wall. Upon this wall are inscribed two words. The defining maxim of the Microsoftian culture..."Jump In." Is this a command for ritual sacrifice, or a friendly invitation to "test the waters" in a manner of speaking? Time will tell.

Fable 2 for Xbox 360

10:10 a.m.: I find a suitable position for viewing the central dais, and look across a sea of heads to a black stage. To the center, a massive screen. To the left, three smaller screens with more 360s in front of each. To the right, a couch and two lounge chairs. I look enviously at the cushioned thrones, as the hard plastic of my own chair begins to interfere with circulation to my legs, yet I press on in the interest of research. I can not be thwarted by mere discomfort. I have groundbreaking research of the utmost importance to do.

Gears of War 2 for Xbox 360

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